happy October, friends : )
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
sometimes...
I walk down the road and one of the neighbor kids will ask for money and I just smile at them...because honestly I just want to cry. why can't I give them money? I'm given reasons on a daily basis "they will come to expect it and that's not good... they cant be reliant on white people" "because then you will just give them reason to ask other mzungus for money" "because you're making their parents lazy" and I keep smiling and walking and wave bye when I get to the main road.
sometimes...
One of the tailors, or a shop owner, or someone I'm meeting with doesn't have what I asked for the days prior, is late, or has a long list of excuses about something and I can't get too frustrated because it's "African culture to be late" or "I dont know english" or "we're all out I have to go to kampala for it come back monday"... so I just smile and say "see you next week".
sometimes...
my husband asks me what happens if tukula doesn't work out and I have a panic attack and I smile and say "I've never thought about it before".
sometimes...
I miss a little boy named Becaham so much and I think why can't he just be mine - his family doesn't even care if he's with them or not. But I'm told everyday "he has a family" and I smile even though it doesn't make me feel better.and the toilets don't flush, there's a million ants on our "clean" dishes, I wish I had someone other than my husband to hang out with, some one is always at our gate asking for a job, our best friend is dealing with witch craft spells, It's rainy season and I get caught in the rain several times a week....I just want to pull out my hair...but then...
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
And I smile because I know there is a new day and God has placed me right here right now in the middle of Uganda for such a time as this. And I realize all this messiness that's inside of me isn't mine to carry alone. and if I threw in the towel then I would be saying that my best friend, the one who created me was wrong for bringing me here.
and He's not.
He says..."It's ok if you want to pull your hair out. I do too sometimes because of this mess you've created, but I love you....I love you with my whole life. So, stay here with me."so I stay and the same neighbor child dances in my front yard, and the tailor makes me laugh, the shop owner says "thank you for loving us" , If it doesn't work out I took a really beautiful risk, and Baby Becaham has a heavenly Father who wants him to be right where he is.
And I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
I walk down the road and one of the neighbor kids will ask for money and I just smile at them...because honestly I just want to cry. why can't I give them money? I'm given reasons on a daily basis "they will come to expect it and that's not good... they cant be reliant on white people" "because then you will just give them reason to ask other mzungus for money" "because you're making their parents lazy" and I keep smiling and walking and wave bye when I get to the main road.
sometimes...
One of the tailors, or a shop owner, or someone I'm meeting with doesn't have what I asked for the days prior, is late, or has a long list of excuses about something and I can't get too frustrated because it's "African culture to be late" or "I dont know english" or "we're all out I have to go to kampala for it come back monday"... so I just smile and say "see you next week".
sometimes...
my husband asks me what happens if tukula doesn't work out and I have a panic attack and I smile and say "I've never thought about it before".
sometimes...
I miss a little boy named Becaham so much and I think why can't he just be mine - his family doesn't even care if he's with them or not. But I'm told everyday "he has a family" and I smile even though it doesn't make me feel better.and the toilets don't flush, there's a million ants on our "clean" dishes, I wish I had someone other than my husband to hang out with, some one is always at our gate asking for a job, our best friend is dealing with witch craft spells, It's rainy season and I get caught in the rain several times a week....I just want to pull out my hair...but then...
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
And I smile because I know there is a new day and God has placed me right here right now in the middle of Uganda for such a time as this. And I realize all this messiness that's inside of me isn't mine to carry alone. and if I threw in the towel then I would be saying that my best friend, the one who created me was wrong for bringing me here.
and He's not.
He says..."It's ok if you want to pull your hair out. I do too sometimes because of this mess you've created, but I love you....I love you with my whole life. So, stay here with me."so I stay and the same neighbor child dances in my front yard, and the tailor makes me laugh, the shop owner says "thank you for loving us" , If it doesn't work out I took a really beautiful risk, and Baby Becaham has a heavenly Father who wants him to be right where he is.
And I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
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