Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I have had a bad attitude lately. I like to blame it on Africa not being romantic anymore or all the hardships I've been facing. But honestly it's because I haven't been searching for anything. I have been hopelessly floating around talking about love and truth and what I think that looks like. I have been turning up my nose towards people thinking I am better or more "cultured". I have been yelling at and pleading with people to just notice me.
I am Peter drowning in the water.
I have also been in a really great mood. I like to blame that on a little boy named Kymbi who I have spent many hours holding, hugging, and laughing with. But honestly it's because of my husband who I have neglected but have realized makes me the happiest girl in the world. I have spent five minutes out of my day helping a little girl mop her home and giggled with her the entire time. I have had grasshopper parties with Betty, Sharon, and even little Marvin. I have sat in a small stall in Amber Court with Agnes and shy Alice and I have driven through Uganda at night with the cool breeze skimming my face.
I am Peter when he remembered.
All this to say I have been up and down and up and down and up and down.
I think of people who are able to come and go in this place and if they really see anything. I see people who have been here for years but are missing everything. I sometimes think I am somewhere lost in between the two. Africa is a complicated place. There are real deal battles Joe and I face everyday that have been attributed to "It's just their culture" or "they were desperate" or "they don't know any better". I wonder if that's ok? Should we let that excuse there actions? should we give them so much grace that they don't change? do I want them to change? I think about America and how badly we all wanted "change" and that's why Obama was so appealing but since I haven't heard of anything changing and it seems like everyone is fine with that? maybe I am naive but I like to think that you can only change something or something can only change if the thing that's asked to change wants to be changed.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say or get across.

I started writing this (it's taking me about three days to finish it) with thoughts of speaking what I believe to be the truth to change your thoughts on Africa or America or myself or yourself but have talked myself out of it along the way.
I don't want to change your mind.
do something that will change your own.


  1. Melissa, even though you may not know what you are trying to say, your heart definitely shines through! I can say that I totally and completely understand your feelings (although I'm sure yours are deeper because of the length of time you have been in Uganda).
    Thanks for your words, you're a beautiful writer and very honest - I love it!

  2. "do something that will change your own mind"

    well said.

    love you guys!!!!!