This morning was gray again.
I have to be honest and say that lately it has been hard. Our dearest friends here left on Monday. We only got a four day notice (they only got a four day notice). Betty has been in a depressed mood as she has seen many babies die at the children's hospital while she waited there with Kymbi for unnecessary injections (please pray for her spirit..and for peace). I found out yesterday that my pop-pop had passed away. When I hung up the phone with my mother I just sat in the van on main street waiting for Joe with tears running down my cheeks. As I write this the tightness in my throat is coming and I know in a few minutes if I let myself I will cry again. I didn't even know my pop-pop well but I know my family and I just want to be with them. I want to see Cody's freckle face and hug my mom...even more so hug my dad...and it just keeps raining. But then I think of my 5 children in Danida (who come running when they see me-- and I drop to my knees and say "my babies". The lady who stirs a big pot of some amazing Ugandan cuisine always laughs and says "You had all those babies yourself?" and I say "No, I HAVE all these babies myself.. in my heart.") They are my HEART babies. I think of JaJa Nora with her small eyes and big laugh. I think of Carol and her willingness to serve her children in any way possible. I think of the Source of the Nile where Joe and I got married -- where so much more started. I think of charcoal lady at the speed bump with the ever sarcastic smile. Oh, I even think of how our new Saturday translator (Betty) said as she held my hands "we will cry so many tears when you leave us". I think of that thing that came unhinged inside of me a few years ago.
This is only a season.
I constantly tell myself that when things are tough and I just want to hop on the next plane out of here. Or when I have my "once a month freak outs" (as Joe calls them) and they all end in "I miss my mom".
This is only a season.
but is it?
Clouds (and rain) are often used to describe hard times.
In Walking On Water Madelleine L'Engle says:
"Love, not answers. Love that trusts God so implicitly despite the cloud (and is not the cloud a sign of God?)..."
This is only God...and today... this minute...I'm ok with that.
I'm going to hold on to His hands and say "I will cry so many tears if You should ever leave me".
and He will say "come to Me all who are weary and I will give you rest". And here I will be holding His hands and resting at His feet.
Hallelujah to the King of Kings!
once again He is faithful.